Monday, December 13, 2010

Dorothy: just click your heels 3 times for home

i found myself tonight squeezing my eyes shut like a little girl and wishing and hoping with all my heart:

i'm going to find Love.
i'm going to Love again.
if it found me so beautifully once,
Love can find me again. 
and today is just another blessed day where I continue to heal and be refined and rebroken into something more whole and new...

I will find my home again. I will find my heart and come home to it again one day. One day soon.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

taylor swift gets it right

forgive me for being lame but i'm going to pull one of those -- "oooh my gosh this song is SOOO me" things that we all do. It's from Taylor Swift's recent album "Speak Now" - which I shamelessly love.

One of her songs, "Last Kiss" reaaaally got to me and connected with some feelings of loss I experienced that I could not put words to for the longest time. Anyways, I've added the lyrics to the whole song here, but it's the lyrics to the chorus that got to me:

so now i'll go
sit on the floor wearing your clothes
all that i know is: i don't know
how to be something you miss

yeah you got that right Ms. Swift. she knows her heartbreak well it seems! 
Here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQc2xfA3bFU&feature=related

Before we all come to the conclusion that I'm still anchored to the past and being emo -- that's not the case. I'm appreciating a song that I connected with. (Probably would have had me in tears if I had heard it a couple of months earlier.)

enjoy!

(the lyrics below)
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go
Away?

I do recall now
The smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

And now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember
The swing in your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake
Meetin' my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/last-kiss-lyrics.html ]

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So
I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The gurl can't be fun without getting caught up

Saturday (Dec. 4, 2010)
9.50pm

His toothbrush sits presumptious and silent in an open clear space beside my desk.

I see it as I'm shutting the laptop down and I think to myself, How careless.

Really, is it just a coincidence, or are all men really so careless??

The last one at least had 3 years on him. (The last one also just attempted to call me tonight. I just stared at the phone wide-eyed and wondering, What is he thinking?? Another lonely night in Victoria perhaps??) The last one I could at least call my boyfriend at the time. I received the toothbrush phenomenon then as a happy sign of the progression of our relationship.

But this one! My gosh, what to even call this one? I've only known him for a month (if 'knowing' is what you even call it) and even so I don't know what he is - or what we are - is there even a "we"??

"Snuggin Buddy" - sure that's as close to a label as I can get on him. But the word "buddy" would imply that he is a frequent part of my life - and for the past month he has been - but to be quite honest, everytime he pops out of my bed the morning after I never know if that was the last time -nor do I know if I want it to be. (I think I need it to be.)

His stuff is strewn subtly all over the place: His pink scarf on the desk - which I've been reluctant to wear at his insistence but secretly did so when I knew he'd be away for the weekend. His chewed up gloves that I have stuffed in my purse that I constantly wear now out of sheer necessity. The fucking change he leaves by my bedside table every fucking time he's been over - it makes me feel like a whore.

I can smell him in my sheets.

I have been unsettled in the past month. Before then I thought I could walk with my head held high finally, my chest puffed with renewed and growing confidence. I felt Possibility reveal itself again. I felt fun. I felt alive. I felt free and that I had really just let go of alot of unnecessary longing and pain. 

And then that blasted night happened. First rookie mistake of my career: getting drunk and unleashing my prowling singledom at an industry party. Seriously? Jeez...

Regardless, it was supposed to be just that one night. As "magical" (drunkenly so) as it was, it really just had to be what it was, one drunken night. was there some unexplainable spark of a connection between us that one night? Shit, I'd really like to think so, but I think us being drunk highly negates the authenticity of that connective spark.

The next month that followed suit that night has been a messy confusion of liquor and laughter and drunken and sobering conversations, dancing, dinners, tea, confessions, embarrassing and revealing moments, awkward moments, comfortably silent moments, of talking, of touching, of texting, of kissing (oh the kissing!), of tenderness, of tension, of tears, of tattoos, of God and religion, of church and cynicism, of poetry and past loves...What a month.

And in the fun, fleeting, not-thinking-fun of it all, I've become completely undone.

And attached - somewhat. And opening. And raw and resistant. And feeling. And reminiscent. And remembering and comparing. And petrified of it all.

My Heart: What to do with you? I thought you were alright, at least coping. I thought you had become finally frivolous and free. And yet you followed me into my bed. I had not noticed that you had begun to reach out and wrap yourself around him when I would wrap my legs around him. I did not notice that you had begun to like the taste of him with every gaping kiss. Nor did I notice how you had let his fingers snatch at you as he would run them through my hair... Till it was all a little too late.

Dear Heart: you're learning a little bitch of a lesson now.



Saturday, October 23, 2010

Toronto

Toronto: I'm broke and broken-hearted in this big city. 
 I am also blessed. 

I've also got time.
And both blessings and time are doing me alot of good in undoing the "broken." 
[but not the "broke" ;-)]

Hello World

I wonder what this blog will be about. I've wanted to write a blog for a long time. I guess it represents for me a virtual emo-outlet in which I can purge my thoughts and emotions anonymously onto the virtual world where no one and anyone can read it if they wish. Like some sort of big confessional booth.

I haven't started until now since I just couldn't find some big reason to write about, some all-encompassing subject that would be "blog-worthy" - something others would want to read. At some point, I realized: "Fuck it. I'll write whatever I want." Who am I even to presume that others would even want to read anything I would have to write about anyway? There are tons of other blogs out there more riveting and more value-added. I don't even plan on having others read this. (At least people who know me anyway.) This truly really is just for me -- which leaves me with a lot of safe space in this virtual unknown to fuck around in my own little blog-world in relative privacy and anonymity.

Thank goodness.

And if you (whoever you could be) are reading this, have fun. :)
  

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Let the lover be

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, 
absentminded. Someone sober 
will worry about things going badly. 
Let the lover be. 
                                         - Rumi