Sunday, July 31, 2011

if you found a journal at Bellwoods Park -- that sap who wrote it was ME

I was that girl who was power-walking her way through Bellwoods Park today - the girl who was stumbling over her over-sized tote when it would somehow get caught between her legs, stumbling and power-walking. I did not stop until I reached that one bench I knew I sat my ass down on yesterday, the same bench that on this day I was running around wailing in a panic over as I realized a most terrible truth: "IT'S GONE. IT'S GOOOONEEE...!!!"

My JOURNAL is GONE!!!

I had sat on that same bench yesterday to enjoy the hot summer sun with a plan to whimsically wittle away words into my beloved journal just like other some-other-whimsical-hipster-saps on Queen St. West at summertime. Leather-bound journal on lap with pen in hand, that was the plan. And then I decided that I had nothing to say under that dreaded heat so I switched my attention to squint away at reading some financial self-help book I had also brought. After roasting in the sun awhile, I decided to crawl under the shade to join my friend while we chatted about quarter-life crises and conjuring up 5-year plans. A search for beer and dessert followed suit and we left the park -- and inadvertently MY JOURNAL ON THAT BENCH.

I don't know how I could have FORGOTTEN it. A combination of heat + writer's block + need for dessert could have been it - regardless, I don't care. What I care about is finding whoever decided to pick up a stranger's journal in the middle of a park. (A friend hypothesized that it was likely the garbage man, but I concluded the guess to be ridiculous once I pointed out the bag of dog poop that still lay by the bench cooked solid in the sun. Or maybe garbage-man does not pick up after dog poop bags -- but I digress.)

THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS -- right now, there is someone out there, someone reading MY JOURNAL, and that someone must be getting a damn good laugh.

Whereas I, I remain here cringing at all that he or she could have read.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hunger

almost 25 and i'm jaded. i've hardly started life. 
i meant to do something with my hands - saving the world was in the plan...somewhere. yet somewhere in between idealism and bitterness i ran away and took a 9 to 5 and i only feel alive in liquored laughter...sometimes.
sometimes i'll feel it beat.thisheartbeatbeat.againthumpthumping to the beat of someone dancing, someone dreaming, someone laughing, someone else living their truth.thumpthump. where's mine?

where's my truth? myheartmyart my soul is screaming "GIVE ME PURPOSE"- no wait, i have purpose -- no, just give me the guts, give me the way, give me the courage to find my way to carve truth in this life. i don't need to know i matter i just want to do something that matters and what matters is that i do something real.


God - I am hungry. I am so. So hungry.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

saturday & sangrias with an old friend

a breeze blew by my weekend and created a little storm:
i went from a learned indifference to falling inlove with him all over again.

i forgot that i could laugh like that over stupid things like that in a way only we would know. and i loved him for reminding me of this at noon and i hated him for the same reason at 4 in the morning.

some can hail us both for our ability to be good friends after it all and there is no doubt that i absolutely enjoy his company and his friendship and i am grateful for it. but in the moments between the laughter and knowing smiles, there is still that deep reminder that our friendship was only created out of our failure to love each other in the way we had originally intended. despite all the time and all the healing, there are moments where i look at us and i remember that at some point in our lives we had let each other down in a big way.

being with him yesterday, i missed what we had. i missed us.

Friday, July 15, 2011

TGIF

crash into bed. (yay I made it past midnight!) unknot the drama in my head.
                       count my blessings by the lamplight. miss my family. love my friends. shut my
                       eyes and forget
                                                                                                                       
                                                                                              loose ends.

                                 Discard
                                 today's heartache.
                                 surprised at how
                                                           i
                                                             didn't
                                                                  break
                                                                                  this time around.

                                                                                  feel the thrill of oncoming sleep.
                                                                                  can't wait for the deep
hue of dreaming. i'll fall asleep laughing or screaming
                                                                 
                                                                    or both.
                                                                    either way,
                                                                     i pillow this heart on hope. :)