tomorrow today

Been sitting in the ground with my head held down,
And now I'm finally standing up.
I'm feeling much taller
- could've sworn I stood smaller
than before I had first fell down.

Invasion

This is something I wrote not too long ago and I felt the need to share it on here. It's a little dark as it touches on the subject of sexual transgression. I apologize if it's a little heavy so I figured I should at least give the warning. It's an important subject regardless and as I have been reflective on the topic of personal boundaries recently, I thought to share this. Enjoy.
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My boundaries feel like a widely porous membrane - a transparent and trembling mass of walls half-heartedly set up. Easy to poke and easy to invade and impose upon your will on a whim.

And I am tired. And there is blood and a sense of loss. And I no longer know where I end and where you begin and I can't catch my breathe and I wonder if you can feel me whimpering at the weight of it all.

God how did I get here? I don't know how one can expect to play with fire and not get burnt. I don't know why I look for love in all the wrong places. 

God make me clean. I am still bleeding.

So you're single

Goodness, when it rains it seems to really pour. I do NOT know what is up with this month of October, but it seems that hearts are breaking all over the place. I'm not just talking about break-ups, I'm just plain talking about getting a heart broke.

It's about time for me to write this: Ladies and gents who have had your heart recently broken, this post is for you. It might not make sense beyond the haze of pain you happen to be swimming in currently, but you'll get it eventually once the healing sets in. So here I am, raising a glass to you, all the breaking and broken, CHEERS, HONEY, YOU'RE SINGLE:

CHEERS...
to getting your heart bro    Ke
                                             N
to feeling the weight of your world
                                                     come                            
                                                           crashing
                                                                       in
to your sense of pride lost
and disgust that you loved someone so
imperfect                  
when you were so damncapable of being carefreesingle and you knew you could've had
Anybody
but you chose him or did he choose you? And at some point - did you just...
                                                                                                                    settle...??


CHEERS
to the god awful crying you put yourself through just to sleep at night
and the pathetic wish to lie in death in sleep
                                                                   coz at least death would feel better.

He took your heart with him when he walked away
how the hell does he expect you to function when it's not okay
that he just STOPPED. TRYING like that??

CHEERS
to the moment you learn that your sadness cannot be felt by others beyond the measure of your bedroom reeking of your agony

CHEERS
to the moment you learn there are a million silences filled with your weeping
where nobody comes
                 

                       to relieve you of your torture.
                       Not even him. He won't come.
                       Cheers to this moment where you learn to stop crying.
                       Cheers to picking yourself up out of bed.

CHEERS
to your anger and the point where you learn that you deserve better
-  COZ YOU DESERVE BETTER DAMMIT

CHEERS
to the talk-therapy where you drench your friends' ears wet with the work of your pain and your renewed sense of self-respect. You sound so damn angry to everyone else, but to you, you sound like you're finally healing.


CHEERS
to that stupid REBOUND where you took a chance all over again
and pretended like you didn't care - but only coz you were careless.

You lost everything a few months ago - what more could you lose?
                                                            And you end up losing a little dignity in the process.

but seriously, CHEERS to learning that your heart is capable of loving somebody else again.
                                                            (Even though your rebound is MILES from quality.)

CHEERS 
to the couple steps backwards for every forward step you take.
to realizing that it is beginning to get easier everytime.

CHEERS
to your new insecurities
and your new confidence
battling it out and knitting themselves over a much stronger heart

CHEERS
to your first genuine smile
where you realize you are effortlessly enjoying yourself

CHEERS
to your first sense of Hope
that you could and will find Love again.

but CHEERS first, to falling inlove with YOURSELF all over again. Maybe even perhaps for the first time. :)

To all who are hurting out there, the journey SUCKS... but seriously, enjoy the ride. You'll end up loving yourself for it.

safe space :)

I have been so blessed and humbled by beautiful company especially in this past month.

I do not know how or when I opened my arms to receive so much love, but God granted it to me regardless. I am so inlove with the depths and beauty of each personality of each heart that beats within proximity. I feel my own heart warming and opening and discovering and breathing sighs of relief and awe. Can I be so deserving to walk amongst giants?

The question is unimportant. I am blessed nonetheless and I am grateful.

One of the topics on my mind recently is the question of permission to be ourselves. It's one thing to be around people who are so free and accepting that they create a safe space for others to let their personalities breathe. The warmth of these beautiful persons I find so addictive because I am admittedly guilty of finding excuses and permission to be myself. But it's another thing to not have to ask for permission.

Why must we fall under the trap of often looking to each other for validation and acceptance to let our own energies run unhindered? For fear that we could be wrong or could impede upon others? This is wrong thinking -- there's more than enough space in this universe to let our own brilliance shine. We were not made by God to impede - we were made for contribution. So why seek permission?

When permission was granted the moment we first took breath.

"Spring Forward, Fall Back" - another TTC poem

On my way home today in the streetcar, I looked up and found this poem by Troy Jollimore. Absolutely loved it. Enjoy. :)

Spring Forward, Fall Back
In November, the hours are slower;
winding down weather, the fresh lather
of a first snow. The winter,
with its months of hospital afternoons

waits huddled just over the border.
And ice will make all the distances
that much further. Speak now, kiss now
before the river freezes altogether.
                                                    -  Troy Jollimore

if we had decided to take a chance

I wonder
If you ever could have loved me
enough to wait
If you ever could have loved me for my beliefs
when I stand for the very same things
you abhor
Or if you ever could have loved me
for my wide-eyed insecurities and chronic naivete
idealism
and stupid need to be liked

Or if I could have ever loved you
for your lack of ambition
your sky-high walls of defense and cynicism
and your stupid need to hurt and test
those who love you so easily

Yet instead we sit here in chronic chemistry
with our ease to draw laughter from one another
and easier still is that we don’t have to wonder
since the time you went and wandered
to find salvation in some other’s
arms
that you hope will call you home

in 5 years meet me in Paris

we're tripping down dundas st. west, swaying to either booze in our muscles or music in our head and we're just chatting ourselves away. complain about how canadian guys don't seem to have much initiative and i don't-know-how-the-fuck-anybody-meets-anybody-else-inthis-damn-city-anymore kind of conversations. it almost doesn't matter coz we're quite happy where we are, we're just complaining. we're hopeful yet just complaining. love still exists we know it. we just don't believe in those movies so much anymore, that's all.

apparently we're supposed to meet in Paris five years from now, at the eiffel tower and partnered with our significant others, sipping on some "chamPAG-NEE" as I'd like to call it oh-so-tastefully. it sounds like a ridiculous dream right now but it sounds like a plan. and in that plan, I hear the panic and the hope of the twenty-something-year-old's that we are: single and happy, but slightly hungry to find something substantial that we can hold on to.

i tell her that five years from now i will remind her of this night where we were those wide-eyed and bordering-on-pathetic-girls who strutted a street wondering where-the-fuck-we'll-find-our-men. and i tell her we'll laugh and never let others know how desperate we were. (what i don't tell her is how much i enjoy these nights regardless. what i also don't tell her is how quite alright i am with this dichotomy of hope and panic. i've found love before, so i live in the truth that i'll find it again - and until then, i enjoy these nights.)

guess i gotta save up for paris. :)