at work, it's winter, and i'm day-dreaming

i wish it were summer already
so that i may feel the heat on my skin
the lazy warmth of my content heart
and the blooming hope and certainty that something beautiful
is on the horizon

and i do not mind the debauchery
of summer nights
when i trip into some cinnamon-scented bar in sand-dusted sandals.
where we are all unnamed and unknown bodies
- until kissed
our lips revealing universes we’ve all missed
in the winter.
i could be drunk on love or liquor i couldn’t tell
but i’d be inlove regardless (oh well)
oh how i wish it were summer already  ;)

10...9...8...and 2012

Remnants of paper pink crepe lie strewn
on top of
glasses of champagne thrice bubbled over & drained
bone-dry from the desperate guzzle of recipients who fancied it the "youth fountain" tonight.
When morning hits they'll still be hoping they were right.

Beneath it all I kneel
in the hollow nook of emptiness.
Another year ahead and this time it all looks too endless. What in years past looked like another fresh trail to blaze now drags before me a daunting tangled haze of more
mistakes, more regrets, and roads I didn't expect.
Another year ahead and I've got nothing to give. Nothing to hope for, to see, and I can't seem to forgive.
Is there something in the joy of the countdown I missed..?
I ask God if there is any grace in this.

tomorrow today

Been sitting in the ground with my head held down,
And now I'm finally standing up.
I'm feeling much taller
- could've sworn I stood smaller
than before I had first fell down.

Invasion

This is something I wrote not too long ago and I felt the need to share it on here. It's a little dark as it touches on the subject of sexual transgression. I apologize if it's a little heavy so I figured I should at least give the warning. It's an important subject regardless and as I have been reflective on the topic of personal boundaries recently, I thought to share this. Enjoy.
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My boundaries feel like a widely porous membrane - a transparent and trembling mass of walls half-heartedly set up. Easy to poke and easy to invade and impose upon your will on a whim.

And I am tired. And there is blood and a sense of loss. And I no longer know where I end and where you begin and I can't catch my breathe and I wonder if you can feel me whimpering at the weight of it all.

God how did I get here? I don't know how one can expect to play with fire and not get burnt. I don't know why I look for love in all the wrong places. 

God make me clean. I am still bleeding.

So you're single

Goodness, when it rains it seems to really pour. I do NOT know what is up with this month of October, but it seems that hearts are breaking all over the place. I'm not just talking about break-ups, I'm just plain talking about getting a heart broke.

It's about time for me to write this: Ladies and gents who have had your heart recently broken, this post is for you. It might not make sense beyond the haze of pain you happen to be swimming in currently, but you'll get it eventually once the healing sets in. So here I am, raising a glass to you, all the breaking and broken, CHEERS, HONEY, YOU'RE SINGLE:

CHEERS...
to getting your heart bro    Ke
                                             N
to feeling the weight of your world
                                                     come                            
                                                           crashing
                                                                       in
to your sense of pride lost
and disgust that you loved someone so
imperfect                  
when you were so damncapable of being carefreesingle and you knew you could've had
Anybody
but you chose him or did he choose you? And at some point - did you just...
                                                                                                                    settle...??


CHEERS
to the god awful crying you put yourself through just to sleep at night
and the pathetic wish to lie in death in sleep
                                                                   coz at least death would feel better.

He took your heart with him when he walked away
how the hell does he expect you to function when it's not okay
that he just STOPPED. TRYING like that??

CHEERS
to the moment you learn that your sadness cannot be felt by others beyond the measure of your bedroom reeking of your agony

CHEERS
to the moment you learn there are a million silences filled with your weeping
where nobody comes
                 

                       to relieve you of your torture.
                       Not even him. He won't come.
                       Cheers to this moment where you learn to stop crying.
                       Cheers to picking yourself up out of bed.

CHEERS
to your anger and the point where you learn that you deserve better
-  COZ YOU DESERVE BETTER DAMMIT

CHEERS
to the talk-therapy where you drench your friends' ears wet with the work of your pain and your renewed sense of self-respect. You sound so damn angry to everyone else, but to you, you sound like you're finally healing.


CHEERS
to that stupid REBOUND where you took a chance all over again
and pretended like you didn't care - but only coz you were careless.

You lost everything a few months ago - what more could you lose?
                                                            And you end up losing a little dignity in the process.

but seriously, CHEERS to learning that your heart is capable of loving somebody else again.
                                                            (Even though your rebound is MILES from quality.)

CHEERS 
to the couple steps backwards for every forward step you take.
to realizing that it is beginning to get easier everytime.

CHEERS
to your new insecurities
and your new confidence
battling it out and knitting themselves over a much stronger heart

CHEERS
to your first genuine smile
where you realize you are effortlessly enjoying yourself

CHEERS
to your first sense of Hope
that you could and will find Love again.

but CHEERS first, to falling inlove with YOURSELF all over again. Maybe even perhaps for the first time. :)

To all who are hurting out there, the journey SUCKS... but seriously, enjoy the ride. You'll end up loving yourself for it.

safe space :)

I have been so blessed and humbled by beautiful company especially in this past month.

I do not know how or when I opened my arms to receive so much love, but God granted it to me regardless. I am so inlove with the depths and beauty of each personality of each heart that beats within proximity. I feel my own heart warming and opening and discovering and breathing sighs of relief and awe. Can I be so deserving to walk amongst giants?

The question is unimportant. I am blessed nonetheless and I am grateful.

One of the topics on my mind recently is the question of permission to be ourselves. It's one thing to be around people who are so free and accepting that they create a safe space for others to let their personalities breathe. The warmth of these beautiful persons I find so addictive because I am admittedly guilty of finding excuses and permission to be myself. But it's another thing to not have to ask for permission.

Why must we fall under the trap of often looking to each other for validation and acceptance to let our own energies run unhindered? For fear that we could be wrong or could impede upon others? This is wrong thinking -- there's more than enough space in this universe to let our own brilliance shine. We were not made by God to impede - we were made for contribution. So why seek permission?

When permission was granted the moment we first took breath.

"Spring Forward, Fall Back" - another TTC poem

On my way home today in the streetcar, I looked up and found this poem by Troy Jollimore. Absolutely loved it. Enjoy. :)

Spring Forward, Fall Back
In November, the hours are slower;
winding down weather, the fresh lather
of a first snow. The winter,
with its months of hospital afternoons

waits huddled just over the border.
And ice will make all the distances
that much further. Speak now, kiss now
before the river freezes altogether.
                                                    -  Troy Jollimore