if you found a journal at Bellwoods Park -- that sap who wrote it was ME

I was that girl who was power-walking her way through Bellwoods Park today - the girl who was stumbling over her over-sized tote when it would somehow get caught between her legs, stumbling and power-walking. I did not stop until I reached that one bench I knew I sat my ass down on yesterday, the same bench that on this day I was running around wailing in a panic over as I realized a most terrible truth: "IT'S GONE. IT'S GOOOONEEE...!!!"

My JOURNAL is GONE!!!

I had sat on that same bench yesterday to enjoy the hot summer sun with a plan to whimsically wittle away words into my beloved journal just like other some-other-whimsical-hipster-saps on Queen St. West at summertime. Leather-bound journal on lap with pen in hand, that was the plan. And then I decided that I had nothing to say under that dreaded heat so I switched my attention to squint away at reading some financial self-help book I had also brought. After roasting in the sun awhile, I decided to crawl under the shade to join my friend while we chatted about quarter-life crises and conjuring up 5-year plans. A search for beer and dessert followed suit and we left the park -- and inadvertently MY JOURNAL ON THAT BENCH.

I don't know how I could have FORGOTTEN it. A combination of heat + writer's block + need for dessert could have been it - regardless, I don't care. What I care about is finding whoever decided to pick up a stranger's journal in the middle of a park. (A friend hypothesized that it was likely the garbage man, but I concluded the guess to be ridiculous once I pointed out the bag of dog poop that still lay by the bench cooked solid in the sun. Or maybe garbage-man does not pick up after dog poop bags -- but I digress.)

THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS -- right now, there is someone out there, someone reading MY JOURNAL, and that someone must be getting a damn good laugh.

Whereas I, I remain here cringing at all that he or she could have read.

Hunger

almost 25 and i'm jaded. i've hardly started life. 
i meant to do something with my hands - saving the world was in the plan...somewhere. yet somewhere in between idealism and bitterness i ran away and took a 9 to 5 and i only feel alive in liquored laughter...sometimes.
sometimes i'll feel it beat.thisheartbeatbeat.againthumpthumping to the beat of someone dancing, someone dreaming, someone laughing, someone else living their truth.thumpthump. where's mine?

where's my truth? myheartmyart my soul is screaming "GIVE ME PURPOSE"- no wait, i have purpose -- no, just give me the guts, give me the way, give me the courage to find my way to carve truth in this life. i don't need to know i matter i just want to do something that matters and what matters is that i do something real.


God - I am hungry. I am so. So hungry.

saturday & sangrias with an old friend

a breeze blew by my weekend and created a little storm:
i went from a learned indifference to falling inlove with him all over again.

i forgot that i could laugh like that over stupid things like that in a way only we would know. and i loved him for reminding me of this at noon and i hated him for the same reason at 4 in the morning.

some can hail us both for our ability to be good friends after it all and there is no doubt that i absolutely enjoy his company and his friendship and i am grateful for it. but in the moments between the laughter and knowing smiles, there is still that deep reminder that our friendship was only created out of our failure to love each other in the way we had originally intended. despite all the time and all the healing, there are moments where i look at us and i remember that at some point in our lives we had let each other down in a big way.

being with him yesterday, i missed what we had. i missed us.

TGIF

crash into bed. (yay I made it past midnight!) unknot the drama in my head.
                       count my blessings by the lamplight. miss my family. love my friends. shut my
                       eyes and forget
                                                                                                                       
                                                                                              loose ends.

                                 Discard
                                 today's heartache.
                                 surprised at how
                                                           i
                                                             didn't
                                                                  break
                                                                                  this time around.

                                                                                  feel the thrill of oncoming sleep.
                                                                                  can't wait for the deep
hue of dreaming. i'll fall asleep laughing or screaming
                                                                 
                                                                    or both.
                                                                    either way,
                                                                     i pillow this heart on hope. :)

hatin'

i know everyone's a fan. and i was too when i first heard it all.

but fuck you tinie tempah. your ubiquitous ass-squeezing star-reaching song just really REALLY needs to be done and gone right now.

fuck top 40. i feel like i've listened to the top 40 songs more than bloody 40 times in a day.

...i'm hatin i know. i just really REALLY need new songs right now.

note to self today: no matter what happens tonight, I need to go home and pack, no matter what happens tonight.


it's coz i doubt it could happen tonight. but i also most definitely doubt it's going to happen tomorrow night either.

That saturday morning flight is going to be one hell of a bitch to get on and get through.

the stuff friends say that I find strangely comforting

i finally slumped in my seat in the subway on the way to a house class and said, "I think he has a girlfriend. In fact, I think that I know he does. - Okay I did some facebook stalking too -- and I think she's gorgeous. Beautiful. Hot. Hot and beautiful."

My friend was silent and eventually replied with an, "Oh."

I looked out the window and didn't see much other than the dark rattle of concrete walls as the subway streamed past. "This is me trying not to care," I muttered. "I guess I'm happy for him."

"Don't worry dude," my friend says. "You're gorgeous too. And he's still got his issues. Let him go and mess this girl up and he'll probably sort himself out after and come running back to you."