Easter Sunday

He is real He is real He is real.


I cannot deny that truth. Despite the many times I've denied Him. The cock can crow all it wants to remind me how many times I've denied Him.

But I'll always know He is real.

You cannot walk away so easily once God has stamped Himself upon your heart. (I've tried.)

i find myself sitting idly by my laptop

i've been here for hours it seems. as if waiting for someone or something to grab me from my boredom and suck me in and let me escape for a while.

screw this, this is me getting up and shutting down the cyber-world for the night. come find me in the real world.

okay yeah, it was a rebound

You. Are:

A slurred drunken mess of promises you did not

Mean to keep;

Time and perspective translate once-believed heart-share

To whateverthefuck.you.needed.tosay.

Anything.youcouldsay.to get

Into my pants.

My rebound-muddled mind left me heady with feeling that I

was inlove

again

And that you

were inlove 

again

too.

Seeing you so out of breathe outside my door in the rain

After you had traversed the tumultuous terrain of Bellwoods Park, ditching some lame party and your good friends

to come

see me.

I thought it was your heart pumping out ahead of your chest that led a hero

to my breasts

When really it was probably your pulsing.erect.Ego 

that pointed the way back. 

I was a fool.

I see that now.

Why did we pretend so badly that it could have been love?

When truth is, we both just wanted so badly 

A body

to be warm with.

3am at the border

There is something beautiful about connecting with a stranger at 3 in the morning. I felt happily lucky to be one of those passengers on a long bus ride that actually enjoyed the stranger sitting next to them. First names were exchanged and no last names were exchanged. I didn’t know how to get to that point nor was I sure what I would have wanted to do with it. Partly too was I was a little scared to make him a friend in the future because I wasn’t sure if future moments with each other would be just as spontaneously good. Pursuing a friendship would feel a little too real and too much like work and frankly, I didn’t have a taste for work at 3 in the morning. Is that silly? Maybe. But I guess I’m being honest.

Our night ended with long-held gazes and smiles that probably meant we enjoyed each other’s company. He said my name again as he said good-bye, slowly getting up out of his seat, and there was a pause where we weren’t too sure if we should leave each other at that or actually take each other up on this little 3am connection. But I didn’t say anything and I returned his goodbye and “it was nice to meet you” with another smile and I let him get off to his stop.

I could have risen up out of my seat to join him at the station for a while longer as my bus was going to sit idle for the next 30 minutes. I’m sure we would have enjoyed more laughs if I did leave with him. But I didn’t get up and I stayed. And I was fine with it. I was fine with not having to chase after someone or hold on to something good when I find it (like I usually am in the habit to do). It may have been worth the chase, I’m sure, but I happily didn’t care to know. :)

Water & Marble - P.K. Page

I found this poem posted in a streetcar earlier today.

Water & Marble - P.K. Page

And I shall tell him that the thought of him
turns me to water
and when his name is spoken pale still sky
trembles and breaks and moves like blowing water
that winter thaws its frozen drifts in water
all matter blurs, unsteady, seen through water
and I, in him, dislimn, water in water?

As true: the thought of him
has made me marble
and when his name is spoken blowing sky
settles and freezes in a dome of marble
and winter seals its floury drifts in marble
all matter double-locks as dense as marble
and I, in others' eyes, am cut from marble.

social media & social construction

In a few short years (or even shorter..??) social media has exploded with all these multi-dimensional ways of staying connected and re-connecting with each other. It's also given us different ways of socializing, communicating, and relating with one another. Suddenly we've turned into our own mini-celebrities amongst our friends (or "friends"), and we can follow each other into different facets of our private lives - from the most intimate to the most mundane. (E.g. somebody tweeting about their child being born AS it's being born. E.g. someone's fb status declaring some boring everyday thing they just ate.) We can be each other's critics and advice soundboard as we comment on each other's statuses or we can become part of someone else's support network just by validating them through a "like" button. We can connect with strangers across continents and yet feel so intimately connected because we absolutely resonate with whatever it is each other is blogging about. Social media and the internet itself can gather crowds for common interests, rallying people together for a seamlessly organized flash mob to rallying together whole political revolutions that succeed in the upheaval of a country.

Gosh...it's just so crazy isn't it??

I'm rambling I guess. Every day of dripping sweating hot yoga must have drained some filter out of me and I suddenly feel the need to ramble out loud. I forget that's what this blog was for.

I find it ironic that despite all the ways with which we seem more "accessible" to each other via social media -- we can still find ourselves struggling to just plain talk to each other when we just want to. The irony to it all sometimes is that despite this virtual linked-ness, there are still invisible levels of connectedness and dis-connectedness that still structure the very relationships we hold with people. It's almost created a whole different kind of "public self" versus "private self." Yes, for our more "open" facebook counterparts, for example, it may seem their private selves are splashed onto the network for the whole world to see. Yet a part of those intimate details of a person you do see online is also somewhat constructed. A virtual PR so to speak. It's just pictures at the end of the day. And one has the freedom to edit what others see and what others don't see -- thus constructing a virtual projection of who they are -- or more like how they want to be seen.

I guess we all know this. I know we all know this. We all know it because we are part of this whole process. We do it with ourselves already. The visual world, the virtual world, is our creation. It's not exactly real. It can depict and even share parts of the world and lives that we don't necessarily get to see every day or ever. Yet it's never really the whole story. Our very lives are whole complicated stories on their own. And pictures and blogs, and foursquare check-ins, and youtube videos can reveal different facets. But they are only depictions, often revealing, yet also just as limiting.

The real scope and real depth of things is always just going to be beyond it.

Woman

I woke up this morning with this to share in mind. I dug it out of my old scriptbook I was using for the Vagina Monologues. I remember hearing this for the first time being read out loud by a room full of my strong castmates and found it so powerfully moving.

So! This is for International Women's Day:

To Stop the Violence Against Woman - Alice Walker

WOMAN

TO STOP THE VIOLENCE

AGAINST

WOMAN,

WOMAN

MUST STOP THE VIOLENCE 

AGAINST 

HERSELF.

WE CAN BEGIN TO DO THIS

NOW, NOW THAT WE SEE

A SKY

AND NOT A ROCK

A STICK

OR A FIST

ABOVE ALL

OUR HEADS.

WOMAN

TO STOP THE VIOLENCE

AGAINST WOMAN,

STOP THE VIOLENCE

THAT YOU

PERPETUATE

AGAINST

YOUR OWN

SISTER

WHO IS

A WOMAN, YOUR OWN

DAUGHTER

WHO IS

A WOMAN,

YOUR OWN

DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

WHO IS

A WOMAN.

YOUR OWN

MOTHER

WHO IS

A WOMAN.

WOMAN

TO STOP THE VIOLENCE

AGAINST WOMAN,

STOP THE VIOLENCE THAT LIVES

IN OPPOSITION

TO YOUR LIFE,

DEEP IN YOUR

OWN TERRORIZED AND

UNCHERISHED

HEART.

WOMAN

REMEMBER WHO WE ARE:

NOT "GUYS"

BUT 

THE MOTHER

OF ALL

LIVING.

WE CREATE OUT OF OUR OWN BLOOD

AND MILK

EVEN

THE CREATURES 

WHO OPPRESS US;

WHETHER THEY ARE MEN

OR OURSELVES.

WOMEN

AWAKE!

ARISE!

STAND UP!

WOMAN

TO STOP THE VIOLENCE

AGAINST

WOMAN,

GET UP

ON YOUR PERFECTLY

UNBOUND

FEET!

WE HAVE LOST THE EARTH

LIVING ON OUR KNEES.